Most of my life so far, I’ve seen illness, well, my illness as a punishment from the gods or something. Deep down it always felt like , the reason I have to deal with all these unpleasant experiences and difficult emotions is because in reality I’m faulty and wrong and the higher power that reigns supreme in our lives is giving me a hard time to discipline the naughty girl that I am. In my search to understand why certain things are happening in my life, this is an explanation that sort of made sense and it also encouraged and justified my self flagellation. It was a win-win. I remember when I first got a diagnosis that it felt like god said to me, “busted! You think you could get away with that shit for long? Nah, justice is coming for you dear one, it’s payback time”. I was convinced that there is an invisible camera watching my every move and that even if I wanted to pretend that I’m not that bad, that camera will have another story to tell.

I’m a bad , bad girl and I deserve what’s coming to me. And if there’s anything about me is that I’ve always wanted to be a good girl, to be loved, to be liked, to be praised. I could take all the praise and all the love in the world in order to fill that empty space inside and it still wouldn’t be enough. Nothing could satiate me. I could shapeshift and become whoever you wanted me to be in order to secure that love. That love is my lifeline and if that meant I’ll have to lose myself in the process, so be it. The pull to lose myself was always so strong that I almost considered it a virtue – it felt so good to be nobody, to be swimming in this massive pool of oneness with everything and everyone not being separate to each other. Like the pull to go back in the womb – the last place I remember feeling totally contained, that I belonged.

I think that’s why I’m so invested to the water element and the thought of immersing myself into the sea is synonymous with coming back home.

The feeling of longing, that ever present sense of yearning, like there’s somewhere I got to return to ,has never left me.