Well, you know, fuck them.

I don’t have to like them , I don’t have to like or be ok with anything I’m not ok with. Why the fuck am I trying so hard to make certain things ok when I’m clearly not ok with them? I’ll tell you why – because having to tolerate that tension of standing my own ground and not bending to someone else’s will, is new territory for me. It’s frustrating and exhilarating and exhausting and I have to be constantly vigilant to bring myself back to equilibrium whenever I stray.

It’s my internal system of homeostasis that was created by years of repetition, that appears to keep pushing me to return to my usual set point. To be agreeable and accommodating in my usual fawning manner, in order to survive a challenging situation. Well let me tell you, this is a valuable skill if and when I find myself in a dangerous position. And this isn’t it, this isn’t dangerous, my survival isn’t threatened by any means.

News flash, I am not a child anymore that needs to be protected and I have to mould myself into anything other people want or expect in order to not threaten my safety. Groundbreaking right?!

I know!

The good thing is that homeostasis is malleable, you can create different set points by repetition and by exposing yourself to different conditions and situations. This is A M A Z I N G!

I am capable of doing my own thing, whatever that is, having my own opinions, beliefs and ideas and not give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks and says about it.

So, from now on, I’m choosing different responses and creating different conditions and patterns for myself because I’m pretty sick of the old programming. Fuck this shit.