I started reading about Human Design a couple weeks ago and so many damn things started to make sense.

It seems that I am a projector. I know I’m almost presenting this as a cancer diagnosis and yes I know it isn’t, but if you are interested in reading more about this energy type, you might understand why a part of me finds this daunting.

The main thing you need to know about projectors is that they don’t have their own individual reservoir of energy. Their aura absorbs and amplifies the energy of their environment. Now, that isn’t necessarily bad news or good news, however it does give an explanation as to why I have always felt that something is off about the way I live my life and apparently it wasn’t because of my 12th house placements. Well, not just because of my 12th house placements.

It could explain why, the last four or so years have felt as though I’m trying to operate and exist while there’s a glitch in my system that doesn’t seem to sort itself out. Like my energy tank is always on the low side and why even when I’m resting I feel like I haven’t rested. I don’t feel refreshed or replenished. Vitamins, food, sleep, prayer haven’t done the trick.

The thing is, I have a lot of questions.

Is it possible that I literally exhausted myself by working for months on end without a day off?

Is it possible that so many things, habits, traits, preferences were actually picked up by my environment at the time and were never truly mine?

Is it possible that, i conditioned my energy and mind accordingly to other people’s preferences and desires and that’s why for most of my life I never knew what I wanted?

Didn’t know what I want to eat, who I want to sleep with, what to learn, where to go etc.

Could it be that, when I look back at the life I used to have, who I used to be, that person was not even me me? Cause whoever that person was, she wasn’t really happy with her life as she was always dissociating and doing things while dreaming of having a life that was completely different. That was a person that, when a friend asked her to go for a beer couldn’t say no. She couldn’t say no to having sex with someone she didn’t really want to sleep with. She couldn’t say no to a loved one that wanted to be listened to for 3 hours on the phone. She couldn’t say no when family was asking her for money. This person had zero boundaries – doing the thing felt like death, not doing the thing felt like death. I might as well do it and at least the other person might feel better than I do.

As I’m reading and reflecting on all the things I’ve read, writing these words now makes me realise the tremendous amount of grief and pain and frustration and dare I say loss that has taken place. That’s why I’m laying here on my hospital bed, at home, whimpering like a dog, feeling like I had a massive stroke and now I got relearn how to do life from scratch. On November 9th this year it will be two years that I haven’t walked outside, haven’t been to the shops, haven’t gone anywhere other my flat. And I can’t help but wonder when I’ll feel ‘normal’ enough, well enough to do so. The overstimulation, the general feeling of heaviness and resignation that I experience when I think about doing anything other that the bare minimum – sleeping, eating, maintaining a certain level of hygiene and I guess reading and writing.

No, I am not necessarily worried. I used to feel worried and anxious about not going out and when is this funk going to end and go out and do x,y,z. You see , when I was worried, I was worried because I couldn’t wait to go back to the old ways, the over functioning, the ways of looking outside in order to decide what’s going to happen inside. And for now I’m not worried about when I’ll go out again and do what I was doing. Now I’m wondering when I’ll cease feeling like there’s more to clear, more resting that’s needed , more boundaries to set, more, more, more.

I did cringe a lot while reading all the articles online about how unique and different projectors are and how they shouldn’t live like the rest of the population. However, taking into consideration how what I’ve read applies to me, my whole life up until now is an honest demonstration of all these attributes. I can attest to living my life completely out of alignment up until I got ill and I was forced to stay in bed, stay at home, give up work and like I said, stick to the bare minimum.

…to be continued