Yesterday, around lunchtime something really unexpected and unusual happened. A primal and uneasy feeling took over me. I knew I had felt this before but I couldn’t remember what it’s called.

An urgent, unyielding sensation was starting to overwhelm me. The main thing about this sensation is how powerful it is – it’s too important, too urgent and needs to be dealt with RIGHT NOW.

I was hungry. For the first time in years, I was feeling hungry. All I can think about is food. Feeding myself and satisfying my hunger has become of highest importance and it’s probably my only priority for the time being.

I watch all these reels with recipes on instagram, food prep, batch cooking and I imagine what they taste like. The man in the bbq diner in America, slicing the meat, that satisfying juicy pink colour on the inside, I’m salivating while looking at the juices coming out of the meat while he dabs the sauces on the crusty side of the meat. I started following accounts of restaurants and street food places that are all over the world, but for now they’ve become my mission to visit that place just so I can eat that ribeye steak or drink the Vietnamese coffee or that beetroot salad with walnuts and buffalo mozzarella or pad kra pao with holy basil.

Holy moly.

I am feeling hungry after years of suppressing, neglecting my hunger, pretending I wasn’t human. It’s astonishing to me now to see how this act of suppressing and ignoring this essential part of me, was disturbingly translated as caring for myself. I was feeling extremely virtuous and proud for winning over my own primal instincts. Wow.

But I was never really winning cause the instinct has only one job to do and that is to keep you alive, so that hunger was always coming back. I utilised drugs, sex, cigarettes, alcohol, everything to pacify that insatiable appetite and as you might imagine, I ended up unsatisfied at all times, usually even more hungry than before. Something wasn’t quite right, something was always amiss.

Feeling hungry has made me feel alive again and what a great feeling this is to feel hungry , to want to eat and fill yourself up with nourishment! Honestly WoW!