I was reading up on some stuff about projectors and today I was wondering if the symptoms (I’ve stopped using the medical diagnosis I was given cause my beliefs have shifted) are giving me the permission slip I need to live life on my own terms.

Today and the last few weeks I’ve been feeling more tired than usual which I believe is due to a lot of emotional processing and energy work that has taken place. So, today I realised that, if I were honest about my energy levels i would say that it looks like, 80% downtime/rest and 20% work/productivity. That’s an approximate estimation of course. But even if it were different it would probably look more accurate after increasing the downtime percentage.

My understanding now is that symptoms are always present in order to give me something, to protect me, to meet my needs. In addition to that is, how the shadow, all the aspects of the self that we deny and repress, are manifesting in physical symptoms in order to claim their right to exist. And it made me think that amongst other reasons why these symptoms are manifesting could be because I’m afraid that , if I didn’t have the symptoms I wouldn’t be able to live the way I want, because I’d be rejected or criticised and be seen as lazy or not good enough. So it’s more like a permission slip for my self to feel like who I am , what I like, what I desire is legit and therefore living with these symptoms means that I’m ok to live as I want and not get rejected or criticised.

My question now is this, is there a part of me that thinks that I don’t have the right to exist as i am and that I need some sort of camouflage for who I truly am in order to feel that I belong?

If that is the case, is it genuinely an authentic life if I need to cover up who I really am, what I really desire in order to avoid being criticised and potentially rejected?

Why do I fear rejection and criticism so much that I’m willing to conceal my truest feelings and desires?

Is this fear a feeling that corresponds to my current self and current life experience or is it a program I’ve been running since childhood and i haven’t even noticed that it’s in the background?

I started feeling similarly about concerns I have about my body image. Is there a part of me that feels relieved somehow that I’m experiencing these symptoms and as a result I don’t have to do things that otherwise I would pressure myself to do?! For example exercise? Or eating a certain way? Or even dressing myself a certain way? Is it possible that I don’t really like exercise, like going to the gym or anything regimental? Is it possible that I prefer my salads to burgers? Is it possible that these things are true and instead of giving myself these things freely just cause that’s what I want, I seem to need to create a whole situation where I kind of ‘earn’ them in order to feel like I deserve to have them?

Could it be possible that, I don’t really like interacting with people, not as much as I thought at least,or that my values and wants are different and again my health condition is giving me what I want because I wouldn’t have the courage to just do whatever the fuck I want without seeing my choices through the lens of ”what other people think of me”?

The general idea is, oh I don’t want this X,Y,Z thing but I have to do or have this, because…symptoms. And looking deeper now, I’m just wondering if that’s even true.

Does this make sense to you?

All of these thoughts aren’t necessarily new to me as I’ve had several revelations the last couple of years regarding healing, symptoms and the shadow self and how they relate to each other. But every time something really sinks in and becomes a deep knowing, it’s like a light bulb that lights up inside my head and I’m like bingo! I get it now!

And I guess what it comes down to is, owning my desires without shame of judgment.

Even if there is somewhere the fear that other people will judge me for what I want, for who I am, it seems that I am the one judging me first and foremost! My life and who I am doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but me.

What would happen if I dropped the judgment altogether?

What would it feel like to start seeing my life and all my current circumstances as my innermost desires and started honouring them just for being here?

What if I lived my life with unashamed, unflinching self acceptance?